How Love Yourself While Wanting To Change Your Body + "Did you gain weight?" Story
"Did you gain weight?"
That question stunned me so much that my mind immediately started racing and I can't even remember with those were the exact words asked to me..all I can remember from this brief conversation this past weekend is that someone thought I looked bigger, less healthy, and been eating too much...at least that is how my mind interpreted it.
It felt like I was thrown back in time to standing in my childhood kitchen hearing my father say "Don't go for seconds. You don't want to be a fat teenager."
While neither of these statement spoken to me by people who love me was meant to hurt it, they did.
One contributed to two eating disorders I survived during my high school years and the other led to this blog.
For the past two years I have been preaching self love over own my Instagram, but still struggle daily with it. I allowed that struggle to make me feel like an imposter..like a fraud...like I wasn't even good enough to speak on this topic because it has been such a battle in own life.
I hesitated even writing this blog or sharing the struggle on Instagram for those reasons, but then I remember what I tell all my coaches who are just starting their businesses "you don't have to be great to start...but you have to start to be great!"
This weekend when I got asked "did you gain weight?" I had to coach myself.
In that moment I went into defense mode and came up with the quickest response to get out of the conversation. "Oh maybe! I was just cleared to lift weights again after all my scoliosis issues so I have been bulking up." While that may be partly true considering I just started a new weight lifting program, my intention behind saying it was to find an excuse for my apparently bigger body so that the other person didn't think I was gaining weight unintentionally.
I let my fear talk in that moment. If I could go back, I would educate the other person on how triggering that question, or any comment on weight, can be for people and you never know how has gone through an eating disorder. I would share my personal struggle with orthorexia and binge eating disorder. I would share how I beat both, but still struggle with body image, emotional eating, and positive mindset. I would practice what I preach and use every moment on this earth to spread love.